


Shaking hands

by Dovesadumbass



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cuddling, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Logan Is Soft, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26391436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dovesadumbass/pseuds/Dovesadumbass
Summary: Virgil and Logan are preparing for their anniversary when they have a fight, but Logan has to leave. Virgil spirals out of control.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 73





	1. His hands are shaking

Logan would never admit it to anyone, but the past six months were the happiest times of his life. Six months ago, almost to the day, Virgil had very nervously asked him out.

“I’ll say again Virgil, you do not have to get me anything and in fact I find it quite unreasonable to get any gifts for a six month anniversary.” Logan sighed and watched the other pace.

“But what if you’re just saying that? Or what if you have something planned? Or what if you die before we reach a year? Or you break up with me? Or y-“ Virgil's voice raises in volume and speed, pacing around the living room yet not aware enough of his surroundings to see Logan approaching him, before taking hold of his arms and cutting him off.

“Virgil, my dear, I’m serious, not putting up a front, planning things, dying, or breaking up with you,” Logan pauses to quickly kiss the other’s forehead, “However I must leave for work, I’ll come home at noon for lunch and if required we can discuss this further. I love you” And with that he picks up his briefcase and leaves for the day

Virgil watches Logan leave, knowing it’s for an important reason but unable to stop himself from thinking that it must be something he did. 

_‘I shouldn’t have made a big deal out of it’_

_‘He’s probably never coming back’_

_‘I ruined everything’_

His thoughts race and without Logan to stabilize him he begins pacing again, circling the living room and focusing on the memory of his boyfriend’s words until the thoughts quiet to a dull roar. Thinking more clearly Virgil remembers the headphones around his neck, pulling them over his ears and turning something on, finally drowning out his panicked thoughts.

The headphones help for about an hour and a half. Virgil is sitting, trying to focus on animal crossing and enjoying his day off, when a quieter song that reminds him of Logan comes on. He checks the time and frowns seeing that he still has three hours until Logan returns for lunch. He tenses, reminding himself of the conversation that morning and going back over it in his head; everything he could have done differently, all the words he wishes he hadn’t said, everything Logan said that could have had hidden meanings.

By the time Virgil has gone over every single detail of what he now thinks must have been an argument, and come to every conclusion that says something negative about himself and Logan’s obviously fake feelings for him, almost ten songs have gone by and his animal crossing character has been approached by three villagers. He checks the time again, pushing off his headphones, and scolds himself for getting so lost in his thoughts. 

_‘Goddammit, Virgil, always distracted’_

_‘It's a shocker you even remembered the anniversary’_

_‘Logan always has to remind you to focus’_

_‘He shouldn't have to always take care of you’_

_‘Such a fucking burden’_

_‘He probably doesn't want a present because he’s ashamed’_

_‘He should be ashamed, dating such a loser’_

Virgil drifts off into his racing thoughts, feeling consumed by the anxiety to the point he doesn’t realize time is moving until half past ten, when he is pulled to the real world by the sound of rain pouring down against the windows, and the realization that his cheeks are wet. “Shit, even the sky is mocking me.”

He gets up, walking to the kitchen, opening the fridge, and grabbing a soda. He opens the can and starts drinking it, still absorbed in his negative thoughts, feeling his breathing speed up, and hearing his heart pound in his ears, until he looks down and finds that, in his panic, he emptied the can and crushed it in his fist. “Fuck” He mutters, stepping to recycle the can.

His thoughts immediately begin racing again.

_‘Violent’_

_‘Cruel’_

_‘He's probably scared of you’_

Virgil’s thoughts only get more negative, more cruel to himself, and he’s walking without thinking, until he's in his bathroom. He looks in the mirror but all he sees is what his thoughts are saying.

_‘Ugly’_

_‘Worthless’_

_‘Unlovable’_

His hands are shaking, and he’s sitting on the edge of his bathtub. 

_‘Terrible person’_

_‘Useless’_

_‘Undeserving’_

His hands are shaking, and he’s turning on the faucet.

_‘Terrible boyfriend’_

_‘Anxious mess’_

_‘Burden’_

His hands are shaking and he’s taking apart his razor.

_‘Unlovable’_

_‘Wreck’_

_‘Cruel’_

His hands are shaking, and he’s rolling up his sleeve.

_‘Unlovable’_

_‘Unlovable’_

_‘UNLOVABLE’_

His hands are shaking, all he can hear are his thoughts, and the blade is digging into both fresh skin and old scars.

**_‘UNLOVABLE’_ **

The word repeats, over and over again, listing reasons, citing all his flaws, and his hands are still shaking as blood runs in rivulets down his arm and onto the white porcelain of the bathtub, only to be washed away by the water. His hands wont stop shaking. but they don’t feel like his own.


	2. His hands are held

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short! I felt like it ended in a good place.

Logan opens the door smiling, he has a meeting at one, so he comes home at 11:30 for an early lunch.

“Virgil! I’m home!” He shouts, but gets no response. “Well that's unusual.” Logan remarks to himself before walking further into the apartment he and Virgil share. From the living room he can better hear running water from the bathroom. He walks over to the bathroom door, and mixed in with the sound of the faucet he hears sobbing.

“Virgil?” Logan calls again, now worried. Getting no response he shouts louder, “Virgil? Are you alright?” Still hearing nothing but sobbing and running water, Logan pushes open the door.

Logan gasps, and Virgil looks up, jumping, startled by Logan’s entrance. His shaking hands, combined with being startled, cause his hand to slip. His hand jerks towards himself diagonally across and down his wrist, and deeper that he could have intended.

“Virgil!” Logan shouts, coming towards his sobbing and bleeding boyfriend, who is hissing in response to the deep cut, now gushing blood more strongly than any of his previous incisions.

“L-Logan, I’m so sorry, you deserve so much better, I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have to deal with me, I'm worthle-” Virgil cuts himself off with a sob, curling inwards.

“No, Virgil, You're amazing, and I love you so much. Please do not speak ill of my favorite person.” Logan sits down on the edge of the tub, next to virgil but not quite touching. He leans over to turn the faucet off so they could hear each other better and begins to truly take in Virgil’s appearance; His arm, but more than that his smudged makeup, the tear tracks covering his cheeks, his hands, still shaking like leaves in the wind.

“Can I help clean you up?” Logan asks cautiously, not wanting to scare his love.

Virgil nods but his hands still shake.

Logan gets up to get a bandage wrap and some medicine, before sitting facing Virgil and carefully taking hold of his arm. “I love you, it's going to be ok.” Virgil’s hands shake enough for Logan’s job to be difficult.

“This is going to sting a bit, I’m sorry” Logan apologizes before applying medicine to the wounds. Virgil hisses and his hands still shake.

“There we go. You’re going to be ok, I love you.” Logan starts wrapping the bandage around Virgil’s shaking arm.

“Can you stand? We can go to bed.” Logan asks carefully, taking hold of Virgil’s hands to help him up.

The pair walk to their bedroom, and Logan pulls back the covers for Virgil to lay down before kissing him. “I’ll be right back darling, I need to make a call.” Virgil nods, still shaking.

Logan steps into the hallway and calls his boss, “I apologize, an extremely important matter has come up at home, and I will not be able to return to work Today.” He hangs up, not caring to hear his Boss’s response.

When he enters the bedroom, Virgil is still shaking under the covers. Logan lies down with him, giving Virgil time to get comfortable as the little spoon before speaking. “I took the rest of today off, I love you, I'm not going anywhere.”

Virgil nods, his shaking slowing down. Logan puts an arm over him and holds his hand.

Virgil’s hands are held, and as he falls asleep, he feels content.


End file.
